Why not toss a bible at them?

No crime zoneAfter a series of armed robberies against its students, Washington University reiterates its policy of a “gun free” campus for all non-criminals and issues loud whistles instead. Emblazoned with the WU logo, too.

The Washington University Police Department is offering a metal whistle for personal safety free to men and women students, faculty, and staff. The whistle can signal your need for help, frighten away someone who means harm to you, or alert others to call the police. The whistle is safe, non-violent, and, when carried on a key-chain, cannot be used as a weapon against you.The Defender is shrill, loud, and of very high quality. It also bears the “WU” insignia. In fact, it’s exactly the same whistle made for the National Fraternal Order of Police. Whistles are available in the Communications Center of the Police Department, our crime prevention office, or by calling us at 935-5084, or request one on-lineRemember: DO NOT BLOW THESE WHISTLES EXCEPT FOR EMERGENCIES

“Whistling always cheers a body up, even in the darkest times,” WU spokeswoman Gertrude Pansy told FWIW’s fact checker and quote verifier B. Simonds, “so if we can’t protect these women and won’t let them defend themselves, at least we can lessen their trauma. Tooting out “Ode to Joy” while being raped from behind will give a girl courage, and is bound to perk her up and help her stop with the whining, for Christ’s sake.”

Asked if the university had any other plans to address crime against its campus  community Pansy smiled: “Oh, absolutely” she said, pointing to a newly installed street sign, “didn’t you notice? We’ve absolutely forbidden it. That should put paid to all but the most wicked of evil doers. Problem solved.”

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3 responses to “Why not toss a bible at them?

  1. anon

    Is this the college in Saint Louis or the one in the state of Washington?
    In either case, Note to self, do not send child there.
    I’ll be interested in a follow up teport for the lawsuit when no one hears a girl whistle. Most colleges have panic button posts around campus.
    Hey, did you hear that the lead singer of The Trogs, famous for the song Wild Thing, died. Great song.