For your Investment Banker who used to have everything

Hey, Valentine’s Day is approaching and that big loveable hunk who used to take you to the Hamptons on weekends while telling the Little Woman that he was busy with an IPO is moping around, feeling sorry for himself feeling guilty about his family and doing nothing to brighten your day. Well here’s a way to cheer the guy up and get him clubbing at Greenhouse again: The Catholic Church is back in the indulgence business. That’s right, you can pick up one of these for the fellow, he says a few Hail Mary’s and presto, he’s ready for more sinning! Such a deal and if you order before February 14th you can get a personal “Fuggaddaboutit” card signed by the Pope’s own facsimile machine. Conditions? Just a few, and the NYT explains them:

There are partial indulgences, which reduce purgatorial time by a certain number of days or years, and plenary indulgences, which eliminate all of it. You can get one for yourself, or for someone else, living or dead. You cannot buy one — the church outlawed the sale of indulgences in 1857 — but charitable contributions, combined with other acts, can help you earn one. There is a limit of one plenary indulgence per sinner per day.

The scope of that one-a-day indulgence depends on the size of your contribution, naturally, so be sure to order an extra-large. This is not the place to go cheap – not on Valantine’s Day, girl!



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5 responses to “For your Investment Banker who used to have everything

  1. anonymous

    Given most guys’ diminished net worth these days, opportune time to pursue that first divorce

    Dating 25yo chicks is so much cheaper (and better value) than married life for the value-conscious modern IBer…

  2. A technicality, perhaps, but the pining inamorata of the cheatin’ hunk who’s slinked back to the old ball and chain will not be able to nab an indulgence for him, he’ll have to do it himself. That means him ducking into the box, confessing all to the priest and receiving absolution and penance.

    The little chippy best not hold her breath.

    • christopherfountain

      I don’t see why – at least according to the Times (admittedly not the first source of Catholic teaching I might seek out) one can buy – oh, excuse me – “contribute” a sum and grab an indulgence for someone else. Did the Times get it wrong or is there a little bait and switch going on here? I mean, I’m not about to convert without (a) cash (old joke you might remember) or (b) a defined benefits plan.

  3. Something tells me quoting from the Catechism and canon law would not be a fruitful approach with you so I simply refer you to your first-year law school course in contracts, which taught you (and here I quote from the Catholic Encyclopaedia, no less!):

    [I]f by fraud one of the parties to a contract has been led into a mistake about what belongs to its substance, the contract will be null and void.

    That’s kind of what’s going on here and don’t forget, the judge in this matter has never had a ruling overturned.

  4. christopherfountain

    No no no – all wrong. Look, the sweet young thing shows up in the church office. “Forgive me Father, for my boyfriend has sinned. Can you help?”
    “Certainly my dear, but it will cost him.”
    “Well how about I buy him an indulgence – your choir need any money to get to Vienna next year? Say, ten large?”
    “Cash, my dear?”
    “Of course, Father, it’s right here in my bra.”
    “Let me see…”
    (a discrete curtain is drawn over further proceedings). So where’s the fraud?