The Onion: Pope vows to bring pedophelia down to acceptable levels.

Good luck on that, fella.

The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.

“The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation—it’s simply unavoidable,” Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. “But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries.”

“The majority of priests don’t want to molest kids at all,” he added. “But for those who do, we must make sure they’re doing it at a reasonable rate.”


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13 responses to “The Onion: Pope vows to bring pedophelia down to acceptable levels.

  1. Jack Martin

    Hey Chris,

    Did you really read this story.

    I’m far from a fan of these guys but I do not believe they said any of these things.

  2. Jack Martin

    I had no idea as I am not a reader.
    They got me.

  3. Practicing Catholic

    I am dumbfounded that states/feds/other countries haven’t jailed those who covered up these crimes. Legal eagles have just looked the other way – too political. As someone who was a victim (not serious) at a very young age, its mind-boggling what these guys have gotten away with – with little or no state interference – in any country. My perpetrator was moved to a different school.

  4. The Duke of Deception

    Come back to us Jack.

  5. That was easy to fall for because it was so close to the truth, at least the truth a few years ago. In Episcopal Church if there’s any suspicion of abuse they call the cops and let them handle it. That works for me.

  6. Brian that a real statement or are you being sarcastic as usual…….if its true it is really disgusting

  7. Walt

    Dude –
    Andres has some great “Did you hear the one about the Priest and the Rabbi?” on this very topic. Just saying.
    Your Pal,

    • So, the priest and the rabbi are in a coffee house when they spot a small, naked boy running down the street.
      “Boy, I’d like to screw him”, says the priest.
      “Out of what?” asks the rabbi.
      That one?

  8. Walt

    Dude –
    Andres is a little better than that, but along the same lines. And he has more. But you do have your moments. Albeit few and far between. But every once in a blue moon, you show some potential, Sparky.
    Your Pal,