Weenie parents

No child has ever been poisoned by Halloween candy – not one.

Take “stranger danger,” the classic Halloween horror. Even when I was a kid, back in the “Bewitched” and “Brady Bunch” costume era, parents were already worried about neighbors poisoning candy. Sure, the folks down the street might smile and wave the rest of the year, but apparently they were just biding their time before stuffing us silly with strychnine-laced Smarties.

That was a wacky idea, but we bought it. We still buy it, even though Joel Best, a sociologist at the University of Delaware, has researched the topic and spends every October telling the press that there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger’s Halloween candy. (Oh, yes, he concedes, there was once a Texas boy poisoned by a Pixie Stix. But his dad did it for the insurance money. He was executed.)

Halloween taught marketers that parents are willing to be warned about anything, no matter how preposterous, and then they’re willing to be sold whatever solutions the market can come up with. Face paint so no mask will obscure a child’s vision. Purell, so no child touches a germ. And the biggest boondoggle of all: an adult-supervised party, so no child encounters anything exciting, er, “dangerous.”

Think of how Halloween used to be the one day of the year when gaggles of kids took to the streets by themselves—at night even. Big fun! Low cost! But once the party moved inside, to keep kids safe from the nonexistent poisoners, in came all the nonsense. The battery-operated caskets. The hired witch. The Costco veggie trays and plastic everything else. Halloween went from hobo holiday to $6 billion extravaganza.

And it blazed the way for adult-supervised everything else. Let kids make their own fun? Not anymore! Let’s sign our toddlers up for “movement” classes! Let’s bring on the extracurricular activities, travel soccer and manicure parties for the older kids. Once Halloween got outsourced to adults, no kids-only activity was safe. Goodbye sandlot, hello batting coach!


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5 responses to “Weenie parents

  1. KrazyKat

    No, but I am sure there are dozens of adults out there who, as kids, had their smiles ruined by those dreaded razor blades hidden in all them apples we once got as Halloween treats!

    Seriously, I remember having to go through the obligatory candy check with Mom where any loose and/or unwrapped candies had to be discarded in case they were “poisoned”. Funny that my parents, fans of all manner of 1970s detective shows, never considered that a serious sicko could use a hypodermic needle to inject bad stuff into my favored Mounds or Milky Way bars.

    It would have killed Mom to know that we ate all the loose candy corn before we got home and it failed the inspection.

  2. Okay, no deaths, but toxic treats are clearly responsible for the increase in libertarian bloggery.

  3. anon

    what about the kids that ate pop rocks with a coke and his stomach exploded and he died on halloween? does that count?

  4. Dairy Anne

    My mom used to check our Halloween haul just to make sure we weren’t carrying those cardboard UNICEF boxes that schools pushed on us so that we could beg for pennies to pay for the organization’s management salaries and plush offices.