So how come I can’t get a date and (why isn’t this guy a candidate for public office)?

Who loves ya, baby?

Central Park rapist (the latest one) has an IQ of 40 and a rap sheet dating back to when he was ten, yet had a girl friend. The Colorado Bat Man shooter had a girlfriend. Good God, Mark David Chapman not only had a girlfriend, she married him and still visits him for conjugal visits (!).

Clearly, there is someone out there sick enough for every weirdo – I’m almost inspired to go looking. Walt, meet me at J’s?


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4 responses to “So how come I can’t get a date and (why isn’t this guy a candidate for public office)?

  1. Robert Chambers, too.
    There actually is a long list of situations like this.

  2. Not WALT

    You still don’t get it dopey????
    Women love Bad Boys like dogs love trucks.

    How else can one explain the spontaneous orgasms experienced by more than half the crowd in the convention hall a few weeks ago in Charlotte? Christ, even the Lesbians got a little moist. It wasn’t for Barack; He’s gay!

  3. Walt

    OK. So what are we talking here? One night frolic with a Nanny, or long term relationship with a MILF? What do you consider a LTR? Three dates, I would guess.

    I am not sure you are ready for the J yet. Those vixens may eat you alive. So we may have to practice first and start slow. We can do that at the mall. Always a target rich environment to meet some hotties!! I know you like the chubbies, so we can start at Lane Bryant.

    It is best to go around 2:00PM, because that means most of the Porkers are stay at home Moms who don’t work. They are bored shitless and probably looking for some fun.

    Dress like a nerd. Flannel shirt, buttoned to the top. If you have hair, part it in the middle. Dockers and boat shoes. No flip flops. Wear glasses.

    Tour the store like you are looking to buy something, but try not to look like a shoplifter, and don’t steal anything. I know that is hard to do.
    When you spot a moo cow you like, just sidle up to her slowly. DON’T GO RUNNING UP TO HER LIKE A RETARD!! You may frighten her and get gored by the Rhino.

    Practice what you are going to say to her. You don’t know what to say, do you? You dummy. Practice these in the mirror at home:
    You know what would look good on you? ME!!
    I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
    That red dress may clash with your pink nipples.
    Can I help you pick out some underwear to go with that dress? Or do you go commando? You little minx!

    I have a lot more, but that should be enough to get you started.
    Let’s go today. With all this rain, the elephants will be packing the place.
    Pick me up around noon and we can grab some Chink food fist at Panda Express. My treat!!
    Your Pal,

  4. Walt

    Dude –
    And what about the GAR Evil Princess? You both sell dirt, so chit chatting with her should be easy. Next time you see her, start up a friendly conversation about the state of the Greenwich dirt market. Then out of the blue, just ask “Hair Pie or Baldy”? She will say “I beg your pardon”? And you say, “You don’t have to beg for anything Sweetcakes. Unless you are into that sort of thing”.

    Better yet, just call her now and report back.
    And does this mean you and Ms. McBeal are no longer an item? Did the whole Greenwich Orgy scene peter out?
    Your Pal,