I suppose mine on Heidegger’s “Being and Time” could be, “we’re all gonna die”

 

And I'll prove it by doing so myself

And I’ll prove it by doing so myself

College students asked to summarize their thesis in one sentence. Pretty funny.

Rocks that are next to each other in Massachusetts now were also next to each other 400 million years ago.
–          Geology, Amherst College

Jellyfish don’t like it when you acidify their tank.
–          Marine Biology, St Andrews

Look at this zombie. Isn’t it racist and sexist? Yes, it is.
–          English Literature, DePaul University

FML: All my feelings are constructed.
–          Religion & Women and Gender Studies, Harvard

People get really bored listening to beeping for an hour, but they’ll do it when professors require experiment credit.
–          Psychology, University of Chicago

Once there were some lost lobsters who were maybe a tiny bit different from some other lobsters, so I killed lots of their larvae to find out if they were actually a tiny bit different. Turns out I don’t know, so I have to do it again.
–          Earth Systems, Stanford University

Just because there’s a bike lane on your street doesn’t mean your rent will be higher. Or lower. Bikes are statistically insignificant to your rent.
–          Economics, Reed College

Online ads that claim you are the 100000th visitor are surprisingly effective.
–          Computer Science, Harvard

I wanted to see if I could make a really really small circuit. I concluded that, yes, I can make a really really small circuit.
–          Physics, Northwestern University

Mark Rothko was a huge asshole.
–          Theatre, Dickinson College.

There was this Hittite king who might or might not have had a son, but definitely moved his seat of government from one place to another, and then his brother moved it back, and all 8 people who care are like “Why’d he do that? Tevs.”
–          Cuneiform Studies, University of Chicago

10 Comments

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10 responses to “I suppose mine on Heidegger’s “Being and Time” could be, “we’re all gonna die”

  1. Mark B.

    Fan-freaking -TASTIC . Thanks for posting this.

  2. Fred2

    To quote an post grad physics PhD I knew: “Essentially, I’m being paid to study nothing: Intermolecular voids.”

    As far as I could tell it was a very interesting nothing, as he as well into a 1/2 decade+ on the subject and 1/2 the profs and most of the student body believed he was faculty. Heard the expression “smartest guy in the room” ? This guy was that everywhere he went, and was married to very pretty woman, and unless you were being willfully obtuse was generally polite patient and charming.

    One of the highlights my undergraduate was watching him intellectually debone, fillet and fry a visiting humanities prof at a public lecture Q&A session, done so crushingly politely but not obsequious that he was thanked afterwards. I honestly do not think the Prof realized his whole career had just been blown up, salted, and plowed under until sometime later.

  3. Cos Cobber

    Here’s mine:

    ‘A Quantitative Analysis of Snow Removal Service Pricing and Costs Relative to Real Estate Valuations’ – which is translated into – ‘I set my snow plowing rates based on how nice your house is.’

    • Love it. I used the same formula when setting my fee for cleaning boat bottoms as a kid: the nicer the yacht, the more I charged. Paid for an entire scuba set up: tank, regulator, mask, wetsuit in one weekend that way which, for a 14-year-old kid, was a pretty good haul.

  4. Walt

    Dude –
    Cos Cobber wins a gold star.
    Mine was “If my tent is pitched, you are my bitch”.
    My minor was, “If you don’t think dead babies are funny, you are a Nazi”. Did someone say dead baby?
    What’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?
    A trashcan in a dead baby.
    What is yours? Dirt hurts?
    You loser.
    Your Pal,
    Walt

  5. Walt

    And Dude –
    Why did you need a scuba suit to masturbate? You pervert.
    Your Pal,
    Walt

  6. Working conditions in 1867 in the clothing and mining industries show that the rich are getting richer, the poor poorer, and capitalism is doomed to fail shortly in a cataclysm. – K. Marx, Universities of Bonn and Berlin, 1867

    The most interesting topic I can think of for a book is my life to age 34. – B. Obama, Columbia University and Harvard Law School, author of Dreams from my Father: a Story of Race and Inheritance, 1995

  7. Tuition Is Insane

    A major factor why US families are limiting kid output to two, no more.

  8. Anthony Fountain

    Those pithy summations remind me of the British author Desmond Skirrow’s “Ode on a Grecian Urn Summarized.”

    Gods chase
    Round vase.
    What say?
    What play?
    Don’t know.
    Nice though.