Navy proposes banning cigarette sales on its ships, bases. “We’re a military of social justice and reform now”, Admiral Joseph Porter told FWIW, “not merely a tool of imperialistic force.
“That’s why, faced with a declining budget and limited funds,we’re spending a billion dollars converting our fleet to clean, all-natural vegetable oil instead of nasty, stinky old bunker fuel, which is just loaded with CO2.
“And before we send our Marines ashore to have their legs blown off and their lungs riddled with shrapnel,” he continued, “we want them in tip-top condition. If they survive, they’ll thank us when they’re seventy, and our political leaders will thank us now. Dismissed.”
UPDATE: How could I have forgotten? Libertarian Advocate reminds us that the U.S. Navy adopted this as its official recruiting video in 1978:
UPDATE II: Upon reflection, G&S did it better, and far earlier, as my reference to Admiral Porter hinted.