Thanks from John

Sarah forwards this:


My friends! Oh boy do I have some serious gratitude to express right now. You’d better sit down.

Since this ship sailed outta ol’ Shitstorm Harbor some months ago, you guys have supported me in all ways possible. Online fundraisers, benefit shows, you guys have come out in spades and I sincerely have no idea how I could possible thank you enough.

Then my sister Sarah, hellbent on world domination, started a campaign on and blew the roof off, raising almost $40k in under a week. Holy shamoly, folks. What the heck am I going to do with all this loot?

Well let’s answer that question. Many of you have graciously donated way more than necessary, telling me to get to the bottom of my bucket list. And while as a registered Democrat I’m all for the wanton and gratuitous spending of other people’s money, I feel it best in this scenario to make like my father’s constituents and approach this new found wealth with conservative prudence.

I’m going to stay put and fight this. I’ve been doing a bit of jet-setting (I’m out in Portland West with my sister, by the way) but after next weekend I’ll be settling back down in Maine for a good long while. I would like to spend the winter in a house on the ocean, kicking ass, eating right and laying low. I’ve spent the past ten years living out my bucket list, so maybe this is chance to grow some roots and ground myself. We may find in time that a heavy bout with cancer was exactly what I needed.

Or it will kill me, and I will forever haunt the corridors of Facebook, remiss at failing to live my dream as a wild-haired Cadillac-driving bank robber. Life is a fickle pickle.

Portland, Oregon is super cool. Verdant jungle growth, crazy good music, and more vegan eateries you could shake a kale stalk at. And I get to spend a week with my sister! Then this Thursday I fly down to Catalina Island to drink wine mixers and cage-fight sharks. You know what I always say: life is short, punch sharks in the face.

So thank you, every one. I am really beyond grateful. At this point there is no way I could ever reciprocate what you all have done for me, unless a scenario should arise in which someone from Earth must boldly sacrifice their physical self to rid the galaxy of an alien scourge. I’m that guy. You call me when that happens. Because thank you.

I love you all. I’m glad you’re here with me.

Ps. I still feel great. No one knows why. Short hair, don’t care.


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21 responses to “Thanks from John

  1. Cos Cobber

    He writes like a Fountain! We are all very happy to help. As another poster said, ‘Keep truck’in.’

  2. EOSredux

    Nothing makes us happier than to know you have some financial freedom to go, do, relax, unwind, sing, dance, and damn, even be a fiscal conservative! 🙂 Gotta love it!!

    This post has made my day, my week, maybe my year!

      • Mickster

        BTW – CF (Ol Fart) had a birthday today….

        • Monody

          Can you give me a hint of his age:
          Is he Medicare eligible?
          Can he get into movies half-price?
          Can he order from the Senior Menu at Friendlys.

          Many happy returns Chris.

        • Mickster

          he’s getting close – we’re a year apart almost to the day – he’s older – so I’m not going to give him too much of a hard time

        • Monody

          Mickster, does that mean you blew out candles yesterday, or do we reserve our congratulations for mañana?

        • Mickster

          I will be celebrating my 60th at Grand Saline Beach on St Barth next Thursday, spending the very last of my ill-gotten gains and pretending like I belong!

        • BigMike

          Hanging at Saline huh!?
          Well, for lunch head over to Lisoletta, it’s in Gustavia,on the upper road exiting town.
          Amazing food, drinks, ambiance, the works.
          Comfy couches too!

  3. Anun

    So great to hear from John and get a sense of where his mind is. Gotta love that strength!

  4. Walt

    Dude –
    That was a very positive and well written note by your son. I didn’t realize he wasn’t biological. Good thing for him!!

    Chilling out in Maine in August isn’t a bad idea. But he is still in Oregon, right? Which is a legal marijuajana state. Correct? And he hasn’t pissed all the money away on hookers and blow yet, right? Or loaned it to you? THE KID HAS DISCIPLINE!! I admire that. We would have already squandered it on hookers and blow.

    Anyhows, can you ask him to invest some of his funds in a few lids for me? Bring back some whacky sticks? Some Mary Jane, some Ganga, some buds of gold? I task I requested of you, but which you miserably failed on. Big surprise there. NOT!!

    I will double the money for him. We can take a road trip up there, meet him in Maine when he gets back, shove some lobsters down our throats, toke some smoke, and triple the money. We can split it evenly. 80% for me, 20% for him, and you pay for gas. Good deal, right? And I will leave him a case of Twinkies. My treat!! The snack food Dude. Not the unsavory characters you hang around with.

    It’s a win – win!! Did you go to the park with the balloons?
    Your Pal,

  5. Anonymous

    I had already sent a reply to John before getting to this part of the blog. I just wanted to agree with EOS that his message made my day. You must be very proud, Birthday Boy. Greenwich Old Timer

  6. Libertarian Advocate

    John: just wanted you to know that it makes me feel – and I’m sure I speak for all the others here, including Walt – extraordinarily lucky to be in a position to help you in your time of real need. To be able to give money away and know that it serves a truly meaningful purpose to the recipient makes it all worthwhile – and then some – to those who give. Godspeed – and when you get a chance, follow the link that Alison Reed left you in her comment last week at the funding site. She’s an old friend of mine from too many years ago who’s smart as a whip and has a huge heart and amazing sensibilities, so if she she left you with a pearl trail to chase, it’s probably well worth the time to follow it.

  7. P

    It’s touching to learn a gruff libertarian raised a well-mannered Democrat. Glad to see he inherited his Dad’s gift of writing.

  8. WOW
    Too real.
    Sad but happy to read such a fine rational glimpse of the unimaginable.
    Thank you two so much for your blatant expression of love of life, you are not alone….

  9. Anonymous

    Godspeed in all of your journeys. You sound like an extraordinary young man.

  10. Linwood

    Write a book while your “chillin out” up in Maine over the winter. Very eloquent writer buddy!

  11. Anonymous

    Liberal or conservative you share your dad’s wit and great writing ability.. Godspeed John!

    • Toonces

      John, you’re a kind person, write beautifully and make me laugh. It’s genetic. I’d add that you have a bit of poet in you too, so maybe write some poems this winter. Stay strong and take care!