My friends! Oh boy do I have some serious gratitude to express right now. You’d better sit down.
Since this ship sailed outta ol’ Shitstorm Harbor some months ago, you guys have supported me in all ways possible. Online fundraisers, benefit shows, you guys have come out in spades and I sincerely have no idea how I could possible thank you enough.
Then my sister Sarah, hellbent on world domination, started a campaign on Giveforward.com and blew the roof off, raising almost $40k in under a week. Holy shamoly, folks. What the heck am I going to do with all this loot?
Well let’s answer that question. Many of you have graciously donated way more than necessary, telling me to get to the bottom of my bucket list. And while as a registered Democrat I’m all for the wanton and gratuitous spending of other people’s money, I feel it best in this scenario to make like my father’s constituents and approach this new found wealth with conservative prudence.
I’m going to stay put and fight this. I’ve been doing a bit of jet-setting (I’m out in Portland West with my sister, by the way) but after next weekend I’ll be settling back down in Maine for a good long while. I would like to spend the winter in a house on the ocean, kicking ass, eating right and laying low. I’ve spent the past ten years living out my bucket list, so maybe this is chance to grow some roots and ground myself. We may find in time that a heavy bout with cancer was exactly what I needed.
Or it will kill me, and I will forever haunt the corridors of Facebook, remiss at failing to live my dream as a wild-haired Cadillac-driving bank robber. Life is a fickle pickle.
Portland, Oregon is super cool. Verdant jungle growth, crazy good music, and more vegan eateries you could shake a kale stalk at. And I get to spend a week with my sister! Then this Thursday I fly down to Catalina Island to drink wine mixers and cage-fight sharks. You know what I always say: life is short, punch sharks in the face.
So thank you, every one. I am really beyond grateful. At this point there is no way I could ever reciprocate what you all have done for me, unless a scenario should arise in which someone from Earth must boldly sacrifice their physical self to rid the galaxy of an alien scourge. I’m that guy. You call me when that happens. Because thank you.
I love you all. I’m glad you’re here with me.
Ps. I still feel great. No one knows why. Short hair, don’t care.