As usual, The Onion is ahead of the curve, scoops mainstream media

Jeb Bush

Well, I got Mom’s endorsement, anyway

Jeb Bush campaign kicks off three-state farewell tour 

MASON CITY, IA—Having carefully rehearsed their soundbites and readied their bus for one final month on the road, Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign reportedly kicked off a three-state farewell tour with a town hall meeting Monday before a gathered crowd of dozens. “We wanted to show moderate Republicans how much we’ve appreciated all the support we’ve had throughout this election season, so we put together a busy schedule of stump speeches and meet-and-greets to bid our goodbyes,” said Bush campaign manager Danny Diaz, who noted that the candidate would treat audiences to his most popular talking points and attacks on his rivals during the four-week sendoff that will take him to select cities in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. “We just really want to enjoy these final few days together as a campaign and take the opportunity to personally thank the many donors and political strategists who’ve made this whole thing possible. Then, I guess, we’ll all share one final pat on the back, give our endorsement to Marco Rubio, and head our separate ways.”


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12 responses to “As usual, The Onion is ahead of the curve, scoops mainstream media

  1. Libertarian Advocate

    Ewwwwww. That’s gotta hurt in the bush.

  2. AJ

    Aw, he needs his mommy. Has anybody got his blanky, anybody? . . .

  3. Donald Trump is fearless, courageous, and a truth-teller. He claims that his strength and general awesome-ness will enable him to stand up to foreign leaders who challenge America. However, he doesn’t have the strength to stand up to that gorgeous muffin Megyn Kelly by participating in the debate tomorrow. No tough questioning will be allowed says the Donald, especially on the subject of Trump’s treatment of women.

    Fox News calls out his petulance:

    Meanwhile Cruz has challenged the Donald to a one-on-one debate for 90 minutes with no moderator. Please Mr. Trump, PLEASE accept this challenge: Let’s see, loud-mouth political novice v. Princeton debate champ and sitting Senator…..what could possibly go wrong?

    I’d watch that debate. It would probably bring an end to this Trump silliness.

    • Anonymous

      Just another publicity grabbing move by Trump. He’s hardly afraid of Kelly, but simply sees another opportunity to focus the conversation around him.

  4. Sure…..attention-grabbing…..kinda like when my two-year old dumps his bowl of spaghetti on his head………..

    • AJ

      Strategic brilliance, or simply walking away from a bad deal: something our current president has repeatedly shown he doesn’t know how to do.

  5. Your prez

    “Michelle Obama on young Barack: ‘He was a bum’

    Michelle Obama said her husband didn’t become serious about his education until he transferred to Columbia University during his second year of college.

    Except that virtually no one remembers him doing anything at Columbia either. I guess that proves her point that 0 proves anyone can be prez or attend Harvard and Columbia.

  6. From Mark Simone’s radio show today- (paraphrasing)
    I said to Trump, who I know well: why are you so calm in person, and so different on the air?
    Trump responded: my approach is like the Navy Seals. Before they enter a building, they blow it up and set it on fire. Then when they enter, they are the ones in charge, and everybody else is panicking……..

    So Donald J. Trump’s first impulse of problem-solving is…….to blow everything up! Gee, that certainly gives us all confidence in a Trump presidency….

    Thank heaven the election season is long. It will give America more opportunity to learn about Trump.

  7. AJ

    Or you could say that shaking things up is a good start for getting things done. But it’s obvious, Balzac, that you’re going to ride Li’l Jebbie waving your hat all the way down.